Intro and situation description
The other day I was in a cafe and witnessed the following situation. An elderly couple entered the cafe. (Note: for the sake of simplicity let’s assume that they are married but the dynamics we’re discussing here could apply to any other relationship as I believe they are universal. Also, ultimately I don’t know their situation and so what I’m offering you here is merely my interpretation of what I saw. I’m using this to build a hypothesis about the dynamics of their relationship and highlight a relational pattern which is very common and therefore could be useful to explore).
The wife went forward to the till and asked for the menu. She then said something else to the staff and proceeded to choose a table. The husband followed her. They had a little discussion over which table to sit at and quickly settled on one. She studied the menu and then read some or all of it to her husband. After a short discussion she went back to the till to place their order. Whilst she was at the till, the husband studied the menu.
What grabbed my attention was that they had only one copy of the menu and the wife was studying it whilst the husband was waiting. Why take only one copy of the menu when there was a pile of them at the till? Why did she take it and he did not, despite standing right in front of them? On the surface it may seem like quite an innocent thing but it could be telling a lot about their relationship.
Interpreting the meaning of the situation
What can we see here?
She appears to be more active in their relationship whilst he is more passive. She takes a more dominant role and he seems to be comfortable in a more submissive position.
She actively interacts and engages with reality and her surroundings. He passively permits her to do it on his behalf.
She controls the flow of information (i.e. in this case the information in the menu) in their relationship. Him not taking or reading the menu before placing the order permits her to control the situation.
Whilst she engages with reality, the physical world around them, he lets her take responsibility and do a lot (if not all) work. He allows her to be the mediator between himself and the physical world as he interacts with reality through her.
Even though we are looking at two adults. They seem to be behaving and engaging with each other as if they were a parent (a role assumed by the wife in this situation) and child (a role assumed by the husband in this situation).
Why is this important?
So, why are we concerned with all this at all? Because this is one of many everyday moments that our lives are built from. It demonstrates our choices which can reveal our thinking, belief systems and roles we habitually and unconsciously assume (adult, child, parent etc.) in our relationships.
It is a demonstration of coping mechanisms that we may have adopted as children to survive a turbulent childhood and may still be using deep into adulthood. These adaptive behaviours we developed in childhood allowed us to navigate and survive the world when we were very young. The problem here is that these mechanisms worked when we were little but they are inappropriate and even destructive now when we are adults.
Becoming aware of these dysfunctional ways of relating and behaving in others and ourselves can help us break free from them and learn and adopt new and more efficient ways of being.
Looking for safety
So both the wife and husband may be ultimately looking for the same thing which is to survive. They may be both looking for safety. They are just trying to achieve it in different ways (read: what worked for them in the past when they were children and trying to survive in their families). These ways are then repeated and reused into adulthood.
For example, she may be achieving a sense of safety by assuming a dominating role of a parent. She actively engages with her surroundings controlling as many parameters in her environment as she can, including her husband:
- his whereabouts,
- his choices,
- his actions.
By controlling him she makes him and this corner of reality they occupy together appear more predictable and therefore safer to her.
Plus her active and dominating behaviour allows her to get quicker or even first access to resources. I know we are discussing an innocent situation with a menu in a cafe but the same sort of behaviour can be exhibited by a person around all sorts of resources. For example, access to bank accounts, will details, inheritance and so on and so forth. Being in charge of information and having access to resources creates a sense of safety.
On the other hand, he finds his safety by taking on the position of a submissive child. By submitting to her control he lets her be a mediator between him and reality and this makes it appear safer for him. Instead of dealing with it himself, he lets her do it for him. He relinquishes his responsibility and activity and returns to a state of a helpless child.
He uses her to do stuff for him. She moves, acts, burns calories, participates in life actively:
- speaks to the staff;
- takes a menu;
- chooses a table;
- reads and processes the menu;
- reads it to him, possibly making comments;
- goes back to the till;
- places an order;
- clarifies some questions;
- makes small talk.
All of this is work he does not need to do.
She regurgitates reality for him. She deals with it and delivers him a condensed, regulated, second-hand version of it that may feel less overwhelming, more manageable and therefore more digestible to him.
Crafting inequality
With such choices they together craft an unequal relationship of control and submission and thus the quality of the said relationship. And it’s safe to assume that they bring the same ways of interacting with and relating to other areas of life.
They both weave the fabric of their relationship permeated with the energies of domination and subordination, control and submission, serving and consumption. She works for him and he consumes her. He follows her and she fully controls him.
How can we use this? Questions for self-healing and growth
If what I described above resonates with you to some point, it may be that you are either witnessing these types of relationships in others or engaging with others in this way. Or maybe both. There is no right or wrong here. Only you can say to what degree the dynamics in your relationships are beneficial or harmful. Ultimately, you decide what suits you.
Here’s just a handful of questions that can be used to start the exploration of what kind of relationships we build.
- How would you describe your relationships of different kinds (work, family, romantic, etc.)?
- What role do you tend to be playing in these relationships?
- Are you more active or passive?
- What position do you habitually take (a controller, a follower, an equal partner). As an example, a person may be more passive at work but a controller at home.
- In what way do you express your activity, passivity or equality?
- How do you feel when you engage in these patterns (safe, in control, heavy, burdened, limited, anxious, depressed etc.)?
Hope this has been helpful. Signing off for now. Till next time!