A relationship with a narcissist can often lead to a state of learned helplessness. The closer the relationship, the higher the chance that we can develop it.
Learned helplessness is a permeating sense of powerlessness which we adopt when we feel that we cannot deal with a difficult situation because we cannot either confront or escape it. The situation appears uncontrollable and unavoidable. It is a chronic sense of failing to control an area in our life and inability to regain that control. Because the situation is chronic and nothing we have attempted to do has managed to resolve it, we start believing there is nothing we can do to bring resolution. Learned helplessness is when you believe there is nothing you can do to change your circumstances or change the outcome of an event and so you don’t take any action.
Relationships with a narcissist do feel out of control. Very quickly you find out that there is nothing you can do to ultimately get the narcissist’s love, approval and acceptance. Everything you do is never good enough. The instability of such a relationship and the impossibility to predict and manage the narcissist’s expectations and reactions may result in the narcissist’s partner developing learned helplessness.
This is what the narcissist needs anyway. Their aim is to use you as a resource for their gains and for that you need to be willing and obedient. Once you’ve learned there is nothing you can do to bring stability in your relationship, you just give in and comply. You end up believing that there is nothing you can do to feel good, there is nothing you can do to feel in control so you stop trying. The key to learned helplessness is that you stop trying, you give in.
The effects are so devastating because this sense of helplessness can spill over onto other areas of life leaving you completely debilitated. Life feels uncontrollable and it is a downward spiral. It corrupts your sense of self, your core beliefs about yourself and life sending you on a trajectory of self-destruction. What’s most difficult about learned helplessness is that it affects the very parts of you that you need to resolve it:
- Your will
- Your motivation
- Your decision-making capacity
- Your belief in yourself
- Your confidence in your abilities
- Your trust in the world, people, life, love
Learned helplessness results in the following symptoms:
- Anxiety
- Depression
- Low self-esteem
- Poor motivation
- Substance abuse
- Apathy and passivity
- Procrastination
- Frustration
- Giving up
If you recognise that you might be experiencing learned helplessness, please know that you’ve taken the main step towards healing it: you’ve created awareness of its presence in your life. Knowing and understanding what you are going through creates clarity. Clarity will give you energy necessary for taking action and taking yourself out of this state. In future posts, we’ll be exploring ways and strategies for healing learned helplessness. Stay tuned!