You may have had an experience of someone offering you their help and when you say no, they just would not let go and keep insisting on helping you until you give in.
Let’s have a look at what’s going on here. This is one of the disordered person’s strategies to gain control over you. In this case their way to manipulate you is by gaining your trust with “kindness”. They use this tactic to test and manipulate you. This is usually employed during the beginning phases of a relationship where the narcissist’s objective is to hook you in.
So, at first they check to see how easy it is going to be to control you and so they test:
- your self-reliance
Do you tend to rely on yourself or are you quite happy for someone else to look after you? There is nothing wrong with enjoying the expressions of love and care from your loved ones but if you tend to rely on other people to get your stuff done, the narcissist can use it to their advantage. They help you out, they do their best to make themselves indispensable to you so that you end up relying on them for everything and then they’ve got you. You feel like so many things in your life depend on them and now you owe them big time and this is exactly what they need.
- your boundaries
How strong are your boundaries? When you say “no”, do you mean it? Do you say something and follow through with it? This is what the narcissist is testing. They will offer help and if they receive a “no”, they will try again and again to see if you break. Will you open the door for them or not? If you say “yes” this time, they will know you are likely to say “yes” next time.
The second part of the narcissist’s strategy is to train you to rely on them and to put you in a position where you are in their debt. They coerce you into accepting their favour to you which you may not want in the first place. This is not kindness and care. It is done with an ulterior motive to put you in their pocket and manipulate you.
So what can you do?
It is a red flag if the person does not accept your “no”. As always, the narcissist does not see or hear you. They just know what they want and see you as only a means of getting it. You are being taken down, your boundaries are being taken down.
Do not mistake their offer of help for niceness and kindness. It is not. It is a strategy to get under your skin, to train you to say yes, to make you rely on the narcissist.
To protect yourself from this manipulation, be attentive to what’s happening. Observe what the other person is saying and doing, how they are responding to you. Notice how your interaction with them makes you feel. If you feel not seen, not heard or feel like you are being forced or coerced into something, remember it is not healthy or safe.
Be firm and assertive. Say “no”, don’t apologise or justify your choice and leave. Say “no” and walk away. Do not engage with this person. Stay safe. Always choose to stay in your power. Do not put yourself in a position of weakness or if that happens, do everything you can to return yourself back into a more powerful and balanced state. Remember, you have always got the choice to say “no” and walk away.