Have you ever experienced talking to someone and realising that the other person cannot hear you? They cannot hear you not in terms of physical hearing but in terms of taking in what you say, considering it and giving you constructive feedback.
You get an impression that you talk to an empty space, that you talk into a void and nothing comes back, not even an echo. On the surface there are two people talking but there is no point of contact, no connection.
What is this connection that’s missing? When I talk to you and I connect to you, I see you as a living, breathing human being. I recognise that you exist and that you have a world of your own and you have the right to be your unique self and the right to have your unique experience of life. I then consciously choose to meet you by listening to you, asking questions and trying to understand your experience of the world. I accept your views as valid and real to you and all of this is reciprocated by you.
In healthy communication, there is a desire and intention to establish a point of contact. Both people participate on equal terms. There is an even quality to the conversation, a balanced give and take. Most importantly, there is a point of contact where both participants are seen, heard, understood and accepted by each other. This kind of communication feels very safe. It’s also very important to point out here that you don’t have to agree with each other but you do accept each other’s position as a valid one, the one that has a right to exist.
In communication without contact, there is expression of thoughts, views and opinions but there is no seeing the other, no seeing the partner in the communication process.There is no interest in the partner’s personality, their inner world, what they are going through. And most importantly there is no attempt to explore the other’s inner world and understand their experiences.
This kind of communication resembles broadcasting. The person is just saying what they’ve got on their mind. Essentially, it is not a dialogue, a conversation where two people participate equally, it is a monologue.
Here are some of the signs that you may not be heard and what you say may not be taken in.
- When you talk:
- the other person looks bored, unfocused;
- their eyes glaze over;
- they look away;
- they fidget; and
- they interrupt you.
- When you finish talking, what you’ve just said they either acknowledge very briefly or not at all and then quickly change the subject matter back to them.
- They may ask you questions which they answer themselves immediately before you have a chance to reply.
Sometimes we could be stressed, going through difficult times or experiencing a crisis and we may not be able to establish and hold a healthy connection when talking. But if this is not the case and it appears that it is the person’s style of communication, then consider whether this is worth your time and efforts. If the person is not able or willing to connect to you, then what is the point of this communication?
Life’s too short and too precious to be wasted on such meaningless conversations. Consider whether it might be worth minimising interaction with such a person to essential only or, if possible, removing it entirely from your life.
We are social beings. Healthy contact is paramount to our wellbeing. We can choose to nurture connections with people who care about us, who are willing to listen to us and hear us.